The Pink Palace is a hostel on Corfu in Greece. It is clearly made by Americans for Americans, and the girl who gave us the first-night tour of the place looked like a native Greek but spoke with an unmistakable Southern twang that sounded like a wonky guitar. It is painted… yes, you guessed it… hot pink. It has 800 beds, a club, kayaks, ATVs, a flying-boat (which is exactly what it sounds like… a boat with wings, not a sea-plane), and a rickety barge festooned with pirate flags called the Booze Cruise.
On the ferry to Corfu, our group of 5 guys had met up with a couple of Canadian girls from Manitoba. Kieran desperately wanted to have sex with either of them (possibly both, and maybe at the same time) so he invited them to come with us. Upon arrival, we were greeted by Wonky Guitar Girl, told the rules, and given a shot of something called Ouzo.
Ouzo is, in the immortal words of blogger Tucker Max, “distilled from the urine of Lucifer himself”. It is the Greek version of vodka, a clear liquid that smells like gas and tastes like perfume. When I swallowed it, the damn thing burned a trail of hellfire down my gullet and into my bowels. The shock of taking that paint thinner down my throat was akin to being slapped in the Adam’s apple by a ping-pong paddle. I do not recommend the Ouzo. It will put a giant dent in your brain.
I went kayaking that day, and I won’t describe kayaking, because kayaking is far too fun to express in words. It’s like cocaine or butt-sex… you really just have to try it for yourself.
But I will describe ATVing. An ATV is a quad, a 4 wheeled a mechanical monster that steers like a bike but bucks and roars and generally fills me with the fear of God. This was a small-scale model ATV- nothing like the iron bisons they use in the bush or on farms. But I was still scared witless. We went up steep hills. We went down steep hills. We rolled across Corfu on gravel paths with ruts so deep it could have tipped my ATV, with slanted rocks that could propel you off the cliffs we were driving along.
Now, I have never driven an ATV. Moreover, I am Chinese (I cannot drive). Combine this with two other factors: (1) My ineptitude with all large pieces of machinery (2) My fear of all large pieces of machinery, and the first 10 minutes of rocketing up a narrow mountain trail at 30 km an hour loosened my bowels significantly.
Oh, yes. I crashed twice. The first time, I braked, the ATV slid, and I hit a rock cliff. I am EXTREMELY glad I hit the rock cliff, because on the other side of the road, there was a steep precipice leading into the Mediterranean Ocean. The left wheel went wonky for the rest of the trip, the left mirror snapped off upon impact, and I flew off, hit the rock face with my shoulder, then bounced back down into my seat, sacking myself tremendously.
The point, other than to make you think “Sean, that dumbass. What an idiot.” is that I had to pay 75 Euros for damages to the ATV. What a TAX. But I ain’t mad. I will simply take a dump on my pillow before I leave, which incidentally, is today.
Greece is a lovely place, and I cannot wait to check out some of the islands. The views are spectacular, and I never really tire of looking out over a lush green landscape out upon the sea, which really makes the Georgia Strait look like an industrial dumping pond. We are headed for Athens tonight.
Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, or as well as you can. Mike, the game ended in a 0-0 tie, but the fans were amazing. Non-stop singing for 90 minutes, flags, banners, and when you see 30,000 people clad in blue do the ROman salute at the same time, you will nearly wet yourself.
ANyway, I am off. Cheers and farewell.
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